Dear Patsy...

	My son is breaking my heart. How can I pull though this?
	I suffered anxiety as a child at the age of ten when my younger sister was born. Ever since then I have controlled my life through worry. I am now married a man I have been friends with since my teens. I love him and we have a good marriage but I have an extreme fears in me that I will stop loving him, that maybe deep down I don't love him enough to make it last. What do you think?
	Do you have any words of wisdom for one who fears God will allow something bad to happen as he has with others such as Job, missionaries, and just ordinary people trying to live their lives for Christ? I'd appreciate any help you can give.
	I am having some disagreements with my parents in the dating arena. My mom asked that I write you. I would like to start seeing this guy but my parents don't think it is a good idea. I don't think they are being fair. How can I get them to change their minds?
	How do we define the line between being CHRIST LIKE and helping other and being USED by others?
	I just found out my husband has been having an affair. I am lost. What do I do?
	My husband and I are trying to heal our marriage from years of infidelity on his part. I am having problems letting the bitterness go. Can you help?
	How did you come to the conclusion that God's Word is true?
	I have so many anxiety issues and I am concerned on how to help my children deal with their unstable mom. Can you help?
	My problem is that my grown son and I were really close when he was young, but now he seems to be shutting me out of his life. I want to keep my heart from breaking; can you help me find some humor in this? I really would appreciate it very much for any help you can give me!
	My friend recently accepted Jesus and I am thrilled about that. However, I cannot get her to come to church with me. I have asked often and she always has an excuse why we can't come. How can I help?
	I've found that many people, me included, get into these ruts and are unable to stay spiritually renewed. How can we avoid that? " Why do you think people get into ruts?"
	How do you perceive a woman's leadership role as it pertains to home, family, work and church roles?
	What do you think happens to us when we die?
	My husband is an unbeliever, how can I help him to believe?
	How can I maintain a feeling of JOY in my life?
	I have made numerous choices in which I am ashamed. I am not sure how to go on.
	My mother has been diagnosed with OCD because of extreme fear. The situation is now affecting my family as it's causing great stress on my life. What can I do for my Mom, my Dad and myself in dealing with this? Thanks so much.
	How did you know that your husband was the man God wanted you to marry? Did you have any doubts?
	How do I become accepted by other Christians? How do I make an extended family?
	My mother recently died and I don't know how to go on. I am full of pain and grief, and no one knows how to deal with me. My poor husband doesn't know what to do either. Can you help?
	I've just lost my best friend, and I am so hurt by the situation. Can you help?
	I am in a loveless, lonely marriage. I am not supposed to be married AND lonely. I am just so alone!

My son is breaking my heart. How can I pull though this?

I am so sorry for your broken heart and your broken dreams. We live in a broken world and none of us escape crushing blows. Gratefully Jesus is willing to pull us out of our despair and set our feet upon a rock.

Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. The rigors of rebellious teens or our adult children who continue to make poor choices are no easy path for the parents. While we can draw strong, loving boundaries and be a steady, godly example; often the rest we will have to leave up to the Lord, time and life's ability to teach what they can't hear us tell them. Pray. Pray. Pray.

While I cannot begin to understand the depths of your heartache, I do care. Nothing pierces a mother's heart like a fallen child (regardless of age) I do not know I can be of help to you, but if I can, I will.
PS Have your read Barbara Johnson's books? Especially "Where does a mother go to Resign" and "Stick a Geranium in your hat and be Happy" 

I suffered anxiety as a child at the age of ten when my younger sister was born. Ever since then I have controlled my life through worry. I am now married a man I have been friends with since my teens. I love him and we have a good marriage but I have an extreme fears in me that I will stop loving him, that maybe deep down I don't love him enough to make it last. What do you think?

You mention your anxiety as a child---have you journaled about that incident or talked it through with a counselor? Were you worried that the birth of your sister was a threat to your position in the family or were you concerned your parents might love her more? It would be helpful to find the roots of your fretting.

While love is certainly about feelings it is so much more. Love is about a decision, a commitment, and a responsibility: which are all about our will. I choose to love not because I always feel like it, but because I'm committed to my relationship.

Honey, trust me, if love was just about emotions my husband and I would have never made it 41 years!

Love is about developing respect for each other, extending kindnesses, being considerate and lavishing grace----undeserved forgiveness.

Love is a lot more about work than it is mushy gushy fairy tale feelings. Although candlelight and a night of passion are wondrously healing---so I'm not knocking the joys of intimacy and romance.

You say you have never been in love relationships. This makes me wonder where you're at in your love relationship with Christ. Opening our hearts up fully to his love prepares us to more fully love others.

Worry is so taxing. It will drain you of vibrancy and liberty.

Remember you don't have to feel love to be loving. Feelings can be a wonderful enhancement but they also can be a terrible distraction. While initially we are drawn to our mates via our feeling form them it is our wills that carry us through the dark nights and deep valleys of our marriage.

Do you have any words of wisdom for one who fears God will allow something bad to happen as he has with others such as Job, missionaries, and just ordinary people trying to live their lives for Christ? I'd appreciate any help you can give.

I have learned I cannot formulate God. I can tell how He has worked in my life to give me liberty, but there's no guarantee that He'll work exactly that way for someone else. He's unpredictable, mysterious--and yet we can set our watches on His faithfulness and love, Those are guaranteed by history, the Scriptures and Calvary. So while the Lord may choose to set me free one way, He may choose a different freedom factor for you. The good news is He has come that we might experience new life in all its fullness.

Having said that, let me say this, when a new or old fear sprouts its bawling face in mine, I find it helpful to seek the prayers of others--to search the Scriptures for verses that speak to my struggle and memorize them--to sing aloud praise songs, and the hardest step, to face the fear head on.

A fear would have you believe that you are not safe in God's care---the truth is there is nothing, I mean nothing, absolutely NOTHING God cannot use for good. He is a beauty out of ashes God. So no matter what befalls us God is for us and in us. Our security is NOT that we won't experience hard things, scary things, sad things; our hope is in a Resurrected Savior who redeems us and all that happens for us.

He is our refuge--but why do folks seek refuge--isn't it because a storm has already hit? We don't usually scurry for cover unless we are darting lighting bolts or hail stones. It rains on the righteous and the unrighteous. The comfort we have as believers is that nothing touches our lives without going through God's filter for us. So while that understanding is our safety, it doesn't protect us from calamity. But it does give calamity purpose. Part of our faith walk is relinquishment of our rights to understand all that God is doing.

My thoughts and prayers are with you this day.

I am having some disagreements with my parents in the dating arena. My mom asked that I write you. I would like to start seeing this guy but my parents don't think it is a good idea. I don't think they are being fair. How can I get them to change their minds?

Here's the deal--God uses authorities over us to help mold our character so if your parents are saying "No Way Jose", I'd advise you to listen. Are you parents always going to be right? ---Nope, they are human too--but when you honor their boundaries God will take up your cause. Besides you don't have to date someone to influence their life.

Did my marriage work out--yes, but not without years of unnecessary hardships we could have avoided had we heeded our parents advice.

How do we define the line between being CHRIST LIKE and helping other and being USED by others?

Yep, the line's fine. Actually in some situations, we may be asked to be silent when we want to scream, to be kind when we feel spiteful, or to be generous to someone who is totally ungrateful. Is that fair? Not on a human level, but there are times the Lord asks us to die to our desires, that we might grown in His graces and servant hood.

However it can be equally growth producing for us to speak up when it feels safer to harbor in our silence and to withhold something when we'd rather give-in than risk being misunderstood.

How do we always know what we're supposed to do? What is the appropriate thing to do? We don't. Developing a sensitive heart to the Holy Spirit through obedience to what we do know for sure helps. Scripture meditation can be revealing. Prayer time can unveil the hidden. Input from others is helpful. Yet with all of that there will be times when the next step feels uncertain and unfair. There is a definite difference between servant hood and feeling and behaving like a victim.

May God Bless you!

I just found out my husband has been having an affair. I am lost. What do I do?

Nothing is more jolting (aside from death) then to discover the betrayal of a mate. With death there is a closure but unfaithfulness hangs in the air like a mallet, repeatedly knocking the breath out of the betrayed. The saw-tooth edge of betrayal eats away at ones' dignity, sanity and identity. This is why the powerful, healing love of Christ is imperative. It is vital to remember, whether or not the marriage is ever healed, your heart can be. Christ calls for us to revel our "first love" relationship with Him. He will restore our dignity, balance our sanity and reaffirm our identity.

My husband and I are trying to heal our marriage from years of infidelity on his part. I am having problems letting the bitterness go. Can you help?

My heart goes out to you in regard to the devastating realization that your husband was unfaithful. Betrayal cuts so deeply into our trust, I admire your willingness and your husband's to work at healing the relationship. We are all faulty people who have been unfaithful in one-way or another: in word, in deed, in thought, toward God, and each other. We are all in need of forgiveness—receiving and extending it

I have found that some forgiveness's take time as trust is gradually restored. There is a wonderful book by Lewis Smede entitled "Forgive and Forget, Healing the Hurt I Didn't Deserve." If I were to sum up the book in a sentence it would be this, "Forgiving another person doesn't make them right but it will set us free." Powerful words. In the book is a parable about a man whose wife had been unfaithful and his response to that betrayal—a truly illuminating truth about the tendencies of the human heart. I hope you will read this book as I think it will comfort and instruct you.

How did you come to the conclusion that God's Word is true?

The test is in the tasting --taste and see that the Lord he is good. Everyone lives by a measuring tape whether that be our opinions, info gained from experience, our family belief's (spoken and unspoken), societal pressure, or a mish-mash of all the above.

I chose (after years of living my collected mishmash) the principles from Scripture as my guidelines, my psychology, my measuring tape, my anchor, because I have found them to be true, accurate, and effective.
When I turned to the Bible for insight my husband Les and I were living on a constant battleground. Both of us were explosive and I was emotionally tattered--everyday I unraveled a little more. Then I began implementing God's truth into my life and relationships. Verses like Proverbs 15:1

" A soft answer turns away wrath but grievous words stir up anger." Prov. 13:3

The one who guards his mouth preserves his life. The one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin." Col. 4:6

" Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned, as it were with salt, so that you may know how you should respond to each person."

I studied verses from the Bible, memorized certain ones that pertained to my struggles and began applying them. In time I began experiencing change--toward others and toward myself (I had a lot of personal contempt). My emotions began to level and my relationships improved.

Taste the Scriptures through investigation and application--ask God to light your understanding--and I believe you'll find God's word is true. It helps to join a Bible Study--also a good Study Bible helps.

Blessings,
Patsy

At the risk of sounding self-promotional my book "I Love Being a Woman" is an intro to some of the women from Scripture that might interest you. ;-)

I have so many anxiety issues and I am concerned on how to help my children deal with their unstable mom. Can you help?

Your recent e-mail was full of concern for your young children and how your struggle is affecting them. Those of us who struggle emotionally usually cannot be explained in words--it's just too complex. Especially for children. Even we big people can't grasp why it is we become so bound by our fears. I think rather than trying to explain it to them you should instead work on taking some new important steps to a better life, which I'm sure you are trying to do. Children are more accepting than adults even when they don't understand. But what benefits them most is when we start to do better...they worry about us --we need to assure them that mommy is getting stronger and healthier everyday.

God bless you as you walk toward healing.........love, Patsy

My problem is that my grown son and I were really close when he was young, but now he seems to be shutting me out of his life. I want to keep my heart from breaking; can you help me find some humor in this? I really would appreciate it very much for any help you can give me!

I don't think anyone can help another find humor in a situation that is breaking a mom's heart--but there are plenty of people and things that can tickle us on a daily basis. So while you're waiting for God's intervention with your son keep your ears and eyes open to what's going on around you separate from your heartache.

Listen to uplifting tapes, read lighthearted materials, have pleasant conversations, sing cheerful songs, visit a zoo, hang out with a youngster, write happy notes to two people who are in need of cheer, read the daily comics and please give yourself permission to not sit in your sorrow.

If your son is use to your rescuing him and now you can't, it will take time for him not to blame you for his misery. It is easy to develop a spirit of entitlement especially with family and certainly with parents. While this is a difficult time for all involved, hang in there, it may be, long term, the best thing that's ever happened.

Blessings, Patsy

My friend recently accepted Jesus and I am thrilled about that. However, I cannot get her to come to church with me. I have asked often and she always has an excuse why we can't come. How can I help?

Give your friend space and grace. When and if she makes that decision to attend it should be her choice. I appreciate your heart of concerns and your generous willingness to take her children---you must be a very good friend. Perhaps you could bring her taped messages from time to time so she could hear them at her leisure.

Perhaps your regular invitations, for some reason you're unaware of, feel a tad threatening to her. Maybe you could tell her you don't want to bug her so anytime she might like to join you just to let you know. Until then, just keep loving on her. It sounds like you are doing a great job.

I've found that many people, me included, get into these ruts and are unable to stay spiritually renewed. How can we avoid that?
" Why do you think people get into ruts?"

Life is full of monotonous patterns--wash dishes, brush your teeth, launder clothes, buy groceries, pay bills, etc, etc. Soon if we are not making efforts to nurture our well-being we find our self in a blue funk. Also if we are not growing it is often a sign that we are resigned to live out our lives as is--and that will lead to rut-dwelling. We were designed that as long as there is breath in our bodies we should be learning and changing. Jesus said, "I have come that you might have life and have it more abundantly."

Ruts are easy--change is tough, and yet personal change is often the breakthrough that leads us into greater liberty and deeper satisfaction.

Your question- "how can we stay spiritually renewed?"

Just as there are emotional ruts there are also spiritual ruts. The way out? Grab a shovel and dig----dig into the Scriptures. We are promised for those who "seek" they shall find. Be a determined seeker. Join a neighborhood Bible study. Read uplifting reading material, invest in some worthwhile video presentations and invite in some friends, share them together with a discussion time afterward. Find a prayer partner that you trust. Keep a journal. There are many ways to keep your spiritual passion lit but do not be discouraged if it flickers from time to time. It's all part of the journey.

God bless as you keep on keeping on!

How do you perceive a woman's leadership role as it pertains to home, family, work and church roles?

I feel every woman is called to leadership starting with her own life. How God will choose to branch us out from there is the great adventure.

Once we are personally led by the Spirit of Christ, His personalization of our path may broaden our influences from home, family, work and church to even our nation and world. Look at Mother Teresa---she began as a leader among Sisters to become a legacy to the world of one who led by example.

Abigail (1 Samuel 25) exercised her leadership in her family circle and spared the lives of many as well as honorably counseled the future King of Israel. We don't know how or where God will choose to use us.

Consider Florence Nightingale: changed the nursing profession from being the lowliest of positions to one of dignity. And when she became an invalid, she continued to be a leader for change from her bed.

Women have so much tot offer and it all begins in earnest when we submit to the leadership of Christ.

What do you think happens to us when we die?

I believe our physical body returns to dust and our spirit goes to be in the presence of the Lord. I believe we receive a new, glorified body that will be like Christ's after his death and resurrection. His bodily appearance was recognizable, he could eat, drink and be touched by others; yet he was not apprehensible (couldn't be taken captive), he no longer was susceptible to physical pain, and he could move through space and time in an instant. I believe that just as God has plans for use while we are alive in our bodies, he has plans for us where we become more fully alive in the Spirit.

My husband is an unbeliever, how can I help him to believe?

Only Christ can bring the lost lambs home--yet he does allow us to be "a lamp" to help light the way. Love shouts, while lectures are lame. So, lavishly love your mate and give up (sacrifice) any guilt trips, manipulation, or any other panic stricken efforts to drag him to Jesus. Live and love in such an extravagant manner that others clamor for your rich faith.

How can I maintain a feeling of JOY in my life?

Hmm, where to begin. Busyness without breaks will numb you that I have learned the hard way. It's not that we lose our joy it's just buried under the fragments of our exhaustion. Is it possible to have breaks with 6 children, especially when you are home schooling??? I think it takes real skill, wisdom, & courage to juggle that much responsibility and still have time for one self. If I were you I'd seek the counsel of Christ on how to find sanity-snippets amidst the demands of life—and whenever possible seek shelter under His wings.
I take tiny joy breaks when I can—I pick up a lovely magazine like Romantic Homes—I call a friend and whine and laugh—I listen to a cd of lovely music—I play with watercolors—I weed in my garden—I take a nap—I go for a walk—I play scrabble-I read—I pray—and I cry.

I have made numerous choices in which I am ashamed. I am not sure how to go on.

Humility is the road home from failure. God is not surprised when we fail-- He understands our frailty and our compunction toward sin. He's not looking for perfection but he does look for a contrite heart--a personal sorrow--a longing for your heart change. When we ask for forgiveness, pursue God's liberating truths, and give up heady attitudes, we will experience healing. Remember as in all journeys it is a step at a time.

My mother has been diagnosed with OCD because of extreme fear. The situation is now affecting my family as it's causing great stress on my life. What can I do for my Mom, my Dad and myself in dealing with this? Thanks so much.

I am sorry to hear of your families struggle. While there are medications to help your mom's condition, the road for OCD patients and their loved ones in not easy or short. You'll all need hiking boots and back packs.

Extreme fear is usually birthed out of something else---chemical imbalance, anger, etc. Nothing is simple in the human psyche. If your mom's struggle is chemical, the right medications will be critical to her will-being. If the fear is based in anger, she'll probably need the help of a counselor to get to the roots.

It is painful to be separated from family when they are suffering, yet it can be even more complex to be close by and have it consume your own family as well.

Have your Dad check and see if there are area support groups for OCD patients and/or spouse---that could be invaluable for one or both of them.

When you have done all you know to do then you must "STAND FAST" in your faith understanding that while you are limited, Christ is not and He, on a moment's notice, can dispense a thousand angels to your mother's bedside.

Somehow painful circumstances shave the potential to make room for greater faith.

Try sending cards to your mom; full of hope, love and encouragement. It will be giving you a way of contributing and you don't know how God will sue them. (Be careful not to preach to her). Your dad could use some good-news mail as well.

Don't allow yourself the indulgence of fretting or stewing...it will eat up your energy and rob your joy.

How did you know that your husband was the man God wanted you to marry? Did you have any doubts?

I didn't know. I didn't ask God. I just did what I wanted to as did my husband---and then we lived with the results of those choices, which brought about tumultuous years.
I don't think I married the wrong man, but I think we married long before we should have--we weren't ready for the responsibilities that are important to a healthy relationship.
Neil Clark Warren has a web site (http://www.neilclarkwarren.com/) and books available on choosing the right mate and preparing for a future together.

How do I become accepted by other Christians? How do I make an extended family?

What a tender question and oh how I hear your heart on this one. I too longed for a sense of belonging and I too found meaningful connections difficult to maintain. My relational walk has been clumsy, so along the way I have learned some do's and don'ts.

Don't expect others to repair the hole in your heart--only God can do that.

Don't try so hard to make friends, it will feel forced and unnatural to others. When our neediness is our driving force for friendship it scares people off. It's not that they don't care; it's that they don't need one more pressure in their life.

Do show an interest in others, but watch your boundaries (Read Dr. Cloud's book on this issue)

Do deepen your friendship with God. (Bible study, prayer, memorization, worship, journaling)

Do speak affirmations to yourself:

" I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

" If I abide in God's word I am his disciple and I will know the truth that will set me free."

" Jesus is the good Shepherd, He has given His life for me"

As we allow God to do a work in us, others will be drawn into friendship with us.

My mother recently died and I don't know how to go on. I am full of pain and grief, and no one knows how to deal with me. My poor husband doesn't know what to do either. Can you help?

I am so sorry about the death of your mom; moms are such significant people in our lives. I am comforted to know that Daddy God (Abba Father) is also He who created mothers out of the content of His own character, which makes Him able to fill that mom vacancy in our lives. Not that we won't always miss our mothers, but God is able to nurture us in motherly ways.

Grief is so unfriendly at first yet long term we see its value. I often compare waves of grief to the waves of the sea—an ocean wave can knock you off your feet, take your breath from your body, and cause you to feel as though you are being pulled under for the last time—then the wave retreats and you can go on until the next wave comes. I find it helpful during a season of loss just knowing that the wave of grief will withdraw and eventually it will subside.

While grief is a disruptive friend, guilt is a vicious enemy who comes to steal our worth and our joy. Conviction on the other hand is a dear friend that comes offering a guiding light to a better life. Conviction says, "this is the way," while guilt says, "no way." Conviction while uncomfortable will cheer you on to victory—guilt is weighty and depressing. So what is one to do when you feel guilt stalking you? Here are a few possibilities………………..

• Seek counsel—(I recommend a woman because they understand our tender emotions and it is so much easier to talk with them about personal issues.) God often uses others to be His messenger to us.
• Settle your past—a competent counselor will help you to defuse any misconceptions you have from your growing up years that feed your guilt causing it to thrive.
• Saturate yourself in the Scriptures—It will help to steady your heart, balance your mind, & feed your spirit.
• Set your mind—determine regardless of how you are feeling to make healthy choices
• Sense of Humor—cultivate good humor—practice smiling

Be careful not to expect your husband to fix you—his job is to love you—God is into the fixing as well as the loving. He sometimes allows our husband's to comfort us and even give us wise counsel, but when it comes to the issues of the (fractured) heart only God can reach that deep and mend that completely. And I have found that healing is a journey, which means I shouldn't be surprised when the road is long and the path rocky. It doesn't mean God is mad at us, or that He doesn't love us, but that God is doing something lasting brick by brick.

Have you read "Hines Feet on High Places"? (author: Hannah Hurnard) It is a wonderful allegory of a deer longing for higher ground and what it takes to get there. It is very comforting & insightful in regard to our personal journeys. Also I have written a book "Under His Wings," which many struggling women have told me helped them through some difficult places.

It is not unusual to find yourself wading through grief after a significant loss—when that loss is compounded with the losses of your babies, change of a job, and a physical move that really puts you into overload. Be aggressive in your own healing—seek the Lord with all your mind, heart, soul, and strength—He will meet you even on the darkest path to bring you into the light. God bless you as you respond to His direction.

I've just lost my best friend, and I am so hurt by the situation. Can you help?

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend in your life. It is never easy to say goodbye, especially when you are feeling forced into a decision that you didn't want to make. I have found when you go through that kind of a loss grief always follows. Grief is a painful but important friend. Grief allows us to release legitimate feelings through talking and tears. And one of the greatest healers is time! Which of course isn't easy to wait for when ones heart hurts?

One suggestion I would make for any time in your life when you are struggling and, you don't have a trusted person near that you could talk with, is journaling. Write your heart. There is something very medicinal when you write how you are feeling. You can do it in the form of a letter and then afterwards if you are concerned someone might see it you can tear it up and throw it away. Writing your thoughts can help you clear your mind and take some of the pressure off your emotions.

God bless you and may He keep you in the hollow of His hand.

I am in a loveless, lonely marriage. I am not supposed to be married AND lonely. I am just so alone!

Lonesome is a human condition married or single ...I do believe our expectations rise when we marry hoping our sweethearts will bill our void and for a time it helps. And certainly when we grow apart with the folks we were counting on we feel an even greater isolation. Jesus longs to be, and is the only one who can be, our need-meeter. People will always disappoint us, whether through insensitivity, inability or unavailability.